1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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