I think I won the penis lottery.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Randomize
