I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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