spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
