Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
