Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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