We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
A bitchslap is in order.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
