My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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