You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
