I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
