I wish I could teleport
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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