I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
