masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.