Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
