I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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