I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
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i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
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The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
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