Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
