Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He did a backflip because drugs
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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