so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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