you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
