420 ftw
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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