she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
