my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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