didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
