I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
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