Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
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He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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