if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
