Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
