Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
