we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
