If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
