She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
