I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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