I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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