hell yes lets make some ravioli
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
