If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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