when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
