Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
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