I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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