i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
