That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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