i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
