mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
