I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
