hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
