sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
