You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
