I wish I only lived at night.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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