Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
