I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
