this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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