You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Randomize
