sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
