I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
