Capitaan dildo arrescate!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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