toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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