sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
