i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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