just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
