so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
